I was the little girl that asked
for baby dolls every single Christmas until most would have considered me too
old. I have always loved children and knew that I wanted some of my own. As I
grew up it always seemed rather easy predicting what the next step would be. I
graduated high school, went to college, got married and fully expected to take
the next step into starting my family as smoothly as all the others. When we had been married for about a year and
we were nearly done with college we decided it was time to start building our
family. This was what I had always dreamed of. I had went off birth control six
months prior to when we actually started trying because I had heard it could
take a while to get out of your system
and I wanted my body to be fully ready when we started to try. I did not want it to take long. I am the kind
of girl who figures out what she wants and takes every little step to make sure
it happens. We were finishing college
with internships and student teaching and we were sure our parenthood induction
was waiting just around the corner. We had heard it is very normal for it to
take six months or a little more so we continued on with patience. A few more
months passed and we were getting ready to move. I decided before we moved that
I should have a quick visit with my Dr. just to check if everything was okay. She ran the typical pre conception tests. The results came back and she said my thyroid
levels were slightly off and I had a few small cysts. The solution to the
thyroid was thyroid medication every day and the solution to cysts was birth
control. I hated that. Here we are trying our best to have a baby and the Dr.
tells me I need to go on Birth Control in order to get pregnant. I waited
patiently for my body to heal and was so hopeful to start trying again when I
was done with birth control. In the
meantime I got a job teaching Second Grade and we had moved back home to Boise.
I finished my two months of birth control and we continued trying to conceive.
By the time we had been trying for a year I was starting to get frustrated. One thing we hadn’t done yet was send Rex to
the doctor. So we scheduled Rex an appointment. He had a semen analysis test
and it came back that he had low motility (swimmers are slow). The doctor asked
if he could refer us to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) a label we would
become very familiar with over the next few years. Rather than being upset with
the referral we were hopeful and excited because there was a problem to be
solved.
Everything with fertility is a waiting game nothing happens
immediately so It took a few months but we finally had our fist consult with
the RE. I was surprised at how busy the office was. It was filled with people
who were obviously trying to have children just like us. For once in this trial
I didn’t feel as alone. Infertility is very rarely talked about and when it is,
you seem to always be getting advice from people who pop children out left and
right without any trouble. Often it seems as though everyone is being blessed
with babies except for you. Our first
appointment was overwhelming to say the least. The Doctor spoke in big terms
about all the possible scenarios. She told us about her suspicions of what our
problems were and then all the tests we would need to do. I completed the tests
and work ups throughout that week driving back and forth from school to the
Doctor which was a 45 min drive. They put Rex on a vitamin called L-carnitinine
to improve motility. My test results came back with no apparent problems and
within a few months the L-cartinine had increased Rex’s motility to within
normal parameters. Then we did our first medicated intrauterine insemination
(IUI). The Doctor was sure it would work because my egg quality was great and I
was only 22 with no known problems. She said I was a great candidate. I was
hopeful and positive but we soon found that the IUI had failed. We went on to
try two more IUI’s all in consecutive months. We received news that our last
IUI had failed during my last week of school.
Those were always terrible phone calls to receive. I would go in for a blood
test in the morning and then wait anxiously all day until about 5:00pm for them
to call me with the results. This time
the message came with another bit of news. The Doctor said that after three
tries the chances of IUI working decrease dramatically so we needed to meet and
talk about other options. We went in for a two hour appointment to talk about
our options. The doctor had a slight suspicion that I could have endometriosis
and Rex had inconsistent sperm samples. The doctor gave us our options. The
options were surgery to see if I had endometriosis or Invitro Fertilization(IVF).
The Doctor strongly recommended the IVF route. She said that even if I had
endometriosis IVF would override any problems that endometriosis might be
causing so the surgery wouldn’t do much. The only thing surgery might do is
give us a diagnosis. Rex had to go to work and I sat through the IVF financial
consult by myself. It was terrible being
there all alone and hearing that our dreams of having a baby would not come
without $10,000 or more and a lot of paperwork.
After
receiving all this information we still felt that IVF was not for us yet. So I
started researching the surgery because I thought if I was going to do IVF in the future then I
would at least like to know if Endometriosis was my reason for having to do it.
Side note: Endometriosis can only be confirmed through a surgery called
laparoscopy. Almost everything I researched lead me to believe the surgery was
not as that big of a deal. So I was torn between my research and what my doctor
had said so I got a second opinion. The Doctor had also encouraged us to
continue with a few more IUI’s while we made our decision but I was sick of
being pumped with hormones, stuck with needles, being on an emotional
rollercoaster, and we were out of money. All of our treatments had to be paid
for up front and without insurance and it had been several thousand dollars
each month. So we decided to just take a break from treatments for the summer
and explore our options. During this time Rex also worked for the airport part
time and we got to fly for free so we took a few trips to the Oregon Coast,
Seattle, and Hawaii. Hawaii was perfect for us to relax from all our worries
and just have a good time together. I
had to get a referral to go to the Endometriosis Doctor for a second opinion so
it took a while to get in. When my
appointment finally came I loved the Doctor. He was very confident and I felt
totally comfortable with everything he was saying. He told me that the surgery was a great
option before we spend thousands of dollars on invitro and that he had done the
procedure many times and had seen great results more times than not. I was
excited. We had a new plan and we had direction. I was to call the office as
soon as my next cycle started and they would get me in for a Laparoscopic
surgery. During my wait for my next cycle I had a dream that I gave birth to a
sweet baby boy. The dream was very vivid and when I woke up I was so happy I
could hardly stand it. From that point on I was sure the surgery would work and
we would get pregnant on our own. I finally had my surgery and the found stage
2 endometriosis. It was mild and they removed it. The doctor did not think it
was significant enough to be causing all our problems but he still encouraged
us to try on our own for six months because there was always a possibility that
this was causing the problem. Recovery didn’t take long and that was good
because two weeks later I started my second year of teaching second grade. Emotionally
we were starting to struggle we had put
so much time, effort, and money into trying to start a family and nothing was
working. We could not even think about
doing IVF because it would cost well over $10,000. During our wait Rex got a
new job. This was exactly the job he wanted and was right in the field he had
studied in college. A few short months after he got the job we called his new
insurance to see if they offered any sort of fertility coverage. We were beyond
excited to find that they cover infertility treatments. Seriously there are
barely any insurance in the United States that cover infertility. They cover 6
IUI cycles in a lifetime and 2 IVF attempts. This was truly the best news.
Things were falling into place. .We decided to once again get right down to
business. It had already been almost 6 months since my laparoscopy and we had
not seen results of any sort so we knew our next step after 2 years of trying,
3 iuis, and a laparoscopy we were going to need IVF. I went in for our IVF
consultation. It was very overwhelming but very exciting at the same time. We
choose to start birth control the beginning of November because you have to
start to restart your system before IVF. The whole birth control thing just
does not go over to well when you have been trying for a baby for two years but
it had a purpose so we followed instructions. After the birth control we
started the injections’. I was so nervous to start because this meant I would have
Doctors’ appointments every day to until egg retrieval. I also had to work. I
would go to my appointments in the morning and go to school in the afternoons.
I was nothing short of exhausted after all this. We stimulated my ovaries by
doing two shots in the stomach a day. On December 6th 2014 it was Rex’s
26th birthday and we went in for the egg retrieval. They retrieved
19 eggs. Next we got a call stating that
of the 19 eggs 11 were mature and 8 had
fertilized. The next call came and the Dr. said that of the 11 that we had
only 7 were still mature and that we only really had three that would for sure
be good for a five day embryo transfer.
I asked if this was a rapid rate at which the embryos decreased and the
nurse said it was slightly unusual. I then asked if we needed to do a 3 day transfer and she said no a 5 day was
still very much the plan since I had 3 eggs that were making optimal
development and 4 that could possibly catch up. A few days later it was
transfer day. I left school early so that I could be at the Dr.’s office at
1:00 for the transfer of the embryo/embryos ( we still hadn’t fully decided
whether we would transfer 1 or 2). Rex also left work early. As soon as I got
in the car I saw that I had barely
missed a call from the Doctors office and they had left a voicemail. I quickly
dialed my voicemail and listened my heart sunk when I heard they had discovered
something that was going to really affect my cycle and I needed to call as soon
as I could. I called immediately and was told that none of the embryos had made
it they
had all arrested. She said it was as if they had not changed since they
checked on day 3. I immediately started bawling. I had put my whole heart and soul
into this. I had even gotten my hopes up. Now here I was driving away from
school supposed to be getting embryos transferred in an hour and I had just
been notified that they all died. When Rex got home we drove into the Dr so she
could try to piece together what had happened. It did not help that the others
workers in the office had not been informed of our situation. The first
greeting we heard as we walked into the office was “Hey Guys! Today is the day!
Are you so excited?” Instantly I wanted to just break down again and cry. I politely
said, “ Not really” she gave me a funny look like what is your deal? Then she
began to inquire about it more.. I finally had to look at her and say , “ It
didn’t work. We don’t have anything to transfer.” Hearing those words come out
of my mouth broke my heart. I went back
in my mind to the weeks previous. I replayed all of the scenarios I had
entertained in my mind, both the good and the bad. This was not one scenario I
ever anticipated. I had no clue this was even something that could happen. I
had retrieved 19 eggs and all of them died off. We did not have a single one to
transfer.
We sat in the waiting room not
talking, just sitting and thinking about how this happened. Finally the Dr.
called us back. The last time we had
been in that fancy office with her was
almost exactly one year prior when we sat down for our first consultation and
made the decision to start trying IUI’s. At that point we were wide eyed about
all the opportunity and had a lot of hope that if we tried everything then in a
short time we would have a child. Now in one years’ time we had done 3 IUI’s ,
1 laparoscopy, and 1 Ivf cycle, all
failures. The doctor proceeded to tell us that there was really no explanation
for the embryo’s dying. She said, “ but we have seen this before and you can
still get pregnant!” The simple fact that I was 23 meant that I should not give
up hope. The appointment ended with pictures of our embryos and their progress
before they arrested. Before we left the
Doctor said, “call whenever you are ready to try again and I hope it is soon.”
I was so overwhelmed with the thought of trying again. I had already missed so
much work, and not to mention my body had been through so much in the last
year. Pumping more hormones in seemed like the worst idea. I was ready to take
a break both physically and mentally. It was almost Christmas and I had barely even taken time to
enjoy the season yet because I had been so wrapped up in Ivf, work, and
everything else we had going on.We were going to take a break from
fertility. Our rental house contract was
almost up and we needed to focus on finding a house to buy. So we spent the next few months trying to
forget about our fertility worries. However when it is something you want more
than anything in the world then there is no way you go even a day without
thinking about it but we gave it a valiant effort.
A few months passed and we had
bought a house. We felt like we were in a good spot to meet with the doctor
again. We were now ready to return back to the grueling journey of starting our
family. I sat across from the Dr. and rehashed what had happened in the last
IVF cycle. We made a new plan and decided to act on this plan in June 2015. I
started injections on Memorial Day 2015. My body loves the meds so it does not
take much to get my follicles stimulated. Things looked better than the
previous time. We retrieved 21 eggs and 18 fertilized. The doctor was
optimistic and she told us she would like us to do a day 5 transfer because
things were looking so much better. The doctor called with an update on day 3,
I had 12 grade “A” embryos. She said we were in route for a day 5 transfer. I
pushed for a day 3 transfer since last time everything looked fine on day 3 but
died by day 5. She said she was confident this would not be the case again. I
got off the phone and told Rex the news. After much deliberation we finally
came to the conclusion that with 12 good embryos even if we did a 3 day
transfer there was bound to be some leftover to freeze if the day 3 transfer
didn’t work. The day 3 transfer would give us piece of mind that we did all we
could in case we were in the same scenario as last time where all embryos
arrested. If we did a day 3 we would at least have a few back in the womb where
they belong and we would never have to wonder what if we had transferred
sooner. I called the Dr. and told her that we would be doing a day 3 transfer.
The Dr. was not too thrilled that we were going against her better judgement.
To be honest I wasn’t sure why either. We had a perfectly qualified Dr.
advising us of one thing and we were going to do another. However through this
whole journey I have learned that sometimes in medical things you have to be
your own spokesperson. You have to make up your own mind and add your knowledge
to what the doctors are saying. The transfer was over within minutes. We were
informed of the possibility of multiples and we were so excited. Now it was
time for the 2 week wait. I tried my best to take it easy and not think about
it all too much. On day 5 I got a call that
seemed to confirm our decision of the
three day transfer. Not a single embryo had made it to day 5 .The nurse on the
other end of the line said the Doctor was very surprised to see this. I broke
into instant tears. The nurse said, “At least you made the call to transfer on
day 3. It should give you piece of mind to know that you have 2 good embryos
back in your body where they belong.” She told me to be positive and focus on
the 2 babies that were already in me. The two little embryos we had transferred
on day 3 were the only hope we had left that this cycle would work. This was
our last insurance try. Finally the two week wait was up and it was time for
the blood test. I anxiously awaited the call. The call eventually came and my pregnancy
blood test was negative. I was so sad. I felt so completely helpless. I try to
be so optimistic and push forward but that day I just let myself be sad and it
felt good. I have experienced defeat in many capacities but never like that. A few days later I had to meet with the
Doctor to go over what happened, why it happened, and where we go from here. The
doctor said at this point we needed to look farther into male factor. The fact
that on both tries everything went great until day 3 told her that we were dealing
with male factor. She said day 3 is when
the sperm has a major role in embryo development. She recommended using donor
sperm or getting a DNA fragmentation test.
The DNA fragmentation test is a much more intricate test then the semen
analysis. Since all of Rex’s semen analysis came back fine we were going to
have to dig deeper. We let things settle for the rest of the summer. We grieved
together and just tried our best to fill our time with other things and
thoughts.
Eventually we started talking about creating a new game
plan. We both had an interest in getting
a second opinion on our fertility outlook. We had heard about others seeing
doctors at the University of Utah and had heard very good things. So I called
and made a phone appointment. We spoke with Dr. P and instantly I knew he was
someone we could trust. He had a few good suggestions of where to start and
instantly had someone call us to set us up as part of a study. This study would require Rex to take a folic acid and zinc vitamin daily and it would
possibly improve his sperm count and function so long as we did not get the
placebo which was a 50/50 chance.
However regardless of whether it was the placebo or the real deal we
would get paid for our trips to Utah every other month for six months. We also
would get free testing which we desperately needed. Rex did a DNA fragmentation
test with him semen sample and the results came back that he had sperm DNA
fragmentation. They then requested he get ultrasounds to see if there was a
varicocele that could possibly be causing all of the trouble. We found that he
had a bilateral varicocele and a few
months later we returned to Utah for surgery to remove the varicocele. This leads
us to our current situation. We are currently waiting 3 months before we have
another appointment in Utah to see if the surgery was a success and to once
again find out what direction we will be pointing our sails in.
I will be the first to tell you that infertility
is no easy feat. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. A family is
a natural desire that most people have and while some are granted that desire
with very little effort the. A quote
that I have read many times says, “Never give up on something that you can’t go
a day without thinking about. “
